Best Congratulations

Clever Birthday Toasts

  1. Home
  2. Grandfather
  3. Clever Birthday Toasts
Clever Birthday Toasts
November 24, 2018 Grandfather 2 comments

This uniquely styled and crafted birthday card for a mom features cute toaster and toast characters on a paper attachment and sparkling glitter embellishments to.

You are here: HOME › Birthday speeches › Witty birthday quotations

Witty birthday quotations

Here's a large, eclectic collection of witty birthday quotations to giggle and smirk your way through, while choosing one for that lucky person whose birthday you are preparing to celebrate.

Some are well known: others are not, but deserve to be!

I've put the author's name, where known, following their quote. If you decide to use it, please acknowledge them.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

Bishop Richard Cumberland

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Bernard Baruch

Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.

Cora Harvey Armstrong

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Jack Benny

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything.

Oscar Wilde

If I'd known I was going to live this long (100 years), I'd have taken better care of myself.

Ubie Blake

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Tom Stoppard

It takes a long time to grow young.

Pablo Picasso

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. 

George Santayana

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Robert Frost

Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you have not committed.

Anthony Powell

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 

George Bernard Shaw

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. 


Youth comes but once in a lifetime.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. 

Rudyard Kipling

We are so fond of one another, because our ailments are the same. 

Jonathon Swift

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. 

Bob Hope

They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. 

Malcolm Cowley

Old age is not for sissies.

Malcolm Forbes

Money is appropriate, and one size fits all. 

William Randolph Hearst on suggestions for gifts

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

Anna Magnani

One compensation of old age is that it excuses you from picnics. 

William Feather

For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. 

John Glenn

Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.

C.E.M. Joad

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Chili Davis

Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own.

J. P. Sears

They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.


Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.

Dan Bennett

You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and "you are looking wonderful."

Francis Cardinal Spellman

I love everything that's old: old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wines.

Oliver Goldsmith

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.

Truman Capote

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Phyllis Diller

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

H. V. Prochnow

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 

Lucille Ball

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. 

Henry L. Mencken

You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look. 

Sir Seymour Hicks

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. 

Maurice Chevalier

You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.

John P. Grier

If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes. 


When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

Mark Twain

A woman revealing her true age is like a buyer confiding his final price.

Mignon McLaughlin

The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.

Doris Day

I hope you've arrived at the bottom of this selection witty birthday quotations with a smile on your face, and something you want to include in a speech or use in a card.

But wait there's more ...

Just in case you haven't found what you want, you'll find more birthday quotations on these pages:

If you're preparing a speech ...

You might also like to check out these examples of 40th and 50th birthday speeches as well as these how to write a birthday speech tips.

And lastly, if you have a special birthday speech tip, quotation or speech that has made someone's day, you're welcome to share it and make many, many more people smile!

Discover ideas about Funny Birthday Message. It's hard to find truly funny birthday toasts. With my huge collection, it's easy — witty toasts are all I have.

Woo-Hoo Toast to You Funny Birthday Card

Clever Birthday Toasts

Humorous birthday toasts

Humorous birthday toasts and funny sayings give us a chance to laugh at the trials and tribulations of maturity.  After all, advancing birthdays are much better than the alternative.

If there's a significant birthday in your future  -- a number that ends with a zero or a five --  celebrate with guests by offering a funny birthday toast to yourself. After all, people love speakers who don't take themselves so seriously.  And if you're less than thrilled about getting another year older, remember what the late great comedian George Burns once quipped:

There's an old saying, "Life begins at 40." That's ridiculous.
Life begins every morning when you wake up.

There are hundreds of humorous birthday toasts. You've no doubt heard some of these funny birthday sayings:

    Lordy Lordy -- Look who's 40
    Isn't it nifty--Fred has turned 50.

Adult birthdays through the decades

Birthday toasts and sayings to make 'em smile

If your birthday party guests have a good sense of humor, you might want to pull out these adaptations below of popular birthday sayings and stories or check out this collection of baby boomer humor:

You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
      -- Jack Benny

You know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and then think about what else you might do while you're down there.
     --George Burns

The generation gap is one war in which everybody eventually changes sides.
     -- Cyril Connolly

Dr. Seuss on the golden age
(slightly modified from a  bawdier version)
The golden years have come at last,
Why don't I feel this is a blast?

I cannot see, I cannot pee.
I cannot chew. What can I do?

My memory shrinks. My hearing stinks.
No sense of smell... I look like hell.

My body's drooping, got trouble pooping.
And people ask, "Why am I stooping?"

The golden years have come at last.
The golden years can kiss my ass.

Senior life on the highway

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful."

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car.
It's hundreds of them!"

A great role model and father figure
Your 50th marks an incredible milestone
I know that I test your patience, girlfriend
The apple doesnt fall far from the tree
Thank You Messages For Dad – Thank You Quotes
Birthday wishes for someone special poem
You are the final piece that makes me whole
9 Signs it’s the Right Time to Say I Love You

35+ Birthday Toasts and Speeches

Clever Birthday Toasts

60th Birthday Jokes

Funny 60th birthday jokes and one liners to help bring some laughter to this momentous (and perhaps *slightly* depressing) occasion! Turning 60 is a milestone worth celebrating, and a good excuse for a laugh too.

Our collection includes...

Whether you want to gently tease, lighten the mood, or soften the blow of turning sixty, you'll find something funny here.

Scroll down the page to read all our funny 60th birthday jokes and one liners, or click on these links to see a particular subset.

Jokes about Old Age

Benefits of Aging Jokes

Memory Jokes

You know you're 60 when...

Grey Hair Jokes

A lot of these 60th birthday one liners are short enough for a card message or to include in a 60th birthday speech.

Other ways to use these jokes is to include as part of the birthday invitation wording, or print and frame one of the one-liners and use as a part of the party decor. You could also display a joke next to a photo of the person as a centerpiece near the birthday cake or as you enter the venue of the party. Or just text them a joke on their birthday as a funny way to say congratulations.

60th Birthday Jokes about Aging

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get up again.

You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.

You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking, "I may as well pee while I'm here."

You know you're old when you turn down the lights to be economical instead of romantic.

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

You know you're getting older when an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

The tragedy of getting old: So many candles... so little cake

Old age... when "happy hour" is a nap!

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

Top of page

Benefits of Age Jokes

Don't be upset about your birthday. Just think, you're one year closer to getting the senior citizen discount!

Getting older has some benefits... Call it a "senior moment" and you can get away with pretty much anything!

With age comes skills, it's called "multi-tasking". Now you can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart, and pee all at the same time!

The best part of being sixty, is that you did all your stupid stuff before the internet.

Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.

Forget age. If you can still manage to blow out your birthday candles, everything is dandy.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live!

Top of page

60th Birthday Jokes about Memory

Congratulations, you've finally reached the wonder years... wonder where your car is parked? Wonder where you left your phone? Wonder where your glasses are? Wonder what day it is?

The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

We'll be friends 'til we're old and senile... and then we'll be new friends!

I swear, if my memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party!

I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

Top of page

You know you're 60 when...

You know you're 60 when you're in an elevator when your favourite song comes on.

You know you're 60 when getting lucky means a short wait in the doctor's office.

You know you're 60 when your back goes out more often than you do.

You know you're 60 when your back is hairier than your head.

You know you're 60 when you have a party and the neighbours don't even realise.

You know you're 60 when a kid you once babysat is now your lawyer.

You know you're 60 when someone offers you a seat on the bus. And you don't refuse.

Top of page

60th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair

You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

Don't worry, they are not grey hairs, they are wisdom highlights. You just happen to be extremely wise.

Those aren't grey hair you see. They're strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head.

A little grey hair is a small price to pay for so much wisdom.

If grey hair is a sign of wisdom, then you're a genius!

This one doesn't count as a grey-hair joke, but somehow it feels like it should fit in this section.

I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything... but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

Top of page

Everyone thought this was really cool and asked me how I made it!'' Rachel, Idaho

We've researched all the interesting and funny facts from the year they were born, and our poster maker formats it all beautifully for you. You can personalize the poster with their name, choose your color palette, and add anything else you want about them.

Click here to personalize and print your poster

More 60th Birthday ideas...

I hope you enjoyed our 60th birthday jokes collection. These other pages also have some great ideas for 60th birthday celebrations, so do check out our:

60th Birthday Wishes

60th Birthday Quotes

Funny 60th Birthday Poems

Funny 60th Birthday Gag Gifts

100+ Happy Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Quotes, Wishes, Videos, and Printables

Gag certificates (including the "Certified Oldie Award")

Before we raise a glass in a birthday party, we love hearing some clever birthday toasts to feel the cozy atmosphere. Are you looking for some.

50 of The Best Happy Birthday Quotes

Clever Birthday Toasts

Before we raise a glass in a birthday party, we love hearing some clever birthday toasts to feel the cozy atmosphere. Are you looking for some clever birthday toasts? Now we would like to present to you some clever birthday toasts that we have collected.Happy birthday. May you always walk on a path lined with happy moments at every bend and a destination filled with love, peace and fulfillment.
May everything you dream of be everything you receive. Have an amazing birthday!
May this birthday be the start of a year that brings you the success you want, the wisdom you need and the happiness you deserve. Happy birthday.
Happy birthday! May you live a life of happiness and be happy with the life you live.
Happy birthday! May you receive the greatest birthday gift you can think of…plus more love and joy than you ever thought possible!
Happy birthday! May you always have the wisdom to wish not for younger days, but for longer days.
You are a good friend who deserves to have all the wishes you desire come true, especially on your birthday. Have a wonderful celebration!
Happy birthday! May your friends know the worst about you but refuse to believe it and know the best about you and refuse to dispute it.
I can only wish that you have the best birthday ever — it’s up to you to make it happen! We’re here to help you, so let’s get started with your celebration!
May the doctor never earn even a cent from you. To your good health! Happy birthday!
May the lights of your life never dim. May they shine forever brighter and brighter. Happy birthday!
Celebrating your birthday brings such joy to everyone around you, including me. If you feel just half the joy we feel now, this could be your best birthday yet. Now let’s party!
May your special day give you a taste of how special the rest of your life will be — and may you have whatever it takes to feast on it every moment. Happy birthday!
These clever birthday toasts can help you create a warm atmosphere for the party and entertain the audiences. Why don’t you choose a clever birthday toast to make everyone happy.

During a birthday celebration we all love hearing a good toast. So if you are looking for inspiration, check out the collection of funny birthday toasts for friend, .

Clever Birthday Toasts
Written by Kazrajar
Related Posts
Write a comment