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Funny quotes for newlywed

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Funny quotes for newlywed
November 26, 2018 Mother 3 comments

via twenty20/Dariakova. 1. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland. 2.

Your wedding will be one of the most memorable events you get to experience. From the start of your wedding planning to heading out for your honeymoon, there are so many memories you’re about to create. Some of those memories will also include the moment you say your vows or give your speeches. Whether you’re the bride or groom looking for a heartwarming vow, or the best man hoping to give a funny speech, we’ve got you covered.

Quotes About Love And Marriage

Our collection of over 140 quotes and sayings will help inspire the best words for you to say. Our list includes funny, inspiring, religious and heartfelt quotes for any type of vows or speech.  You’ll also find some of the best quotes and lyrics found in movies and music. Once you select the perfect message, write it down to keep in your wedding binder as a keepsake.

Inspiring Wedding Quotes

Love is inspiring, so why not say so? Tell your loved one how they inspire you with one of the beautiful quotes below.

  • “Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.”
  • “And I knew exactly how old Walt Disney’s Cinderella felt when she found her prince.”
    —Elizabeth Young
  • “A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you.”
  • “In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.”
    —Mignon McLaughlin
  • “The highest happiness on earth is the happiness of marriage.”
    —William Lyon Phelps
  • “Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.”
    —Zelda Fitzgerald
  • “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
    —Albert Einstein
  • “Oh the heart that has truly loved never forgets, But as truly loves on to the close.”
    —Thomas Moore
  • “Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.”
    —William Shakespeare
  • “I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone.”
    —J. R. R. Tolkien
  • “Being someone’s first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.”
  • “Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are.”
    —Oscar WIlde
  • “You are every reason, every hope and every dream I’ve ever had.”
    —Nicholas Sparks
  • “True love stories never have endings.”
    —Richard Bach
  • “You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.”
  • “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.”
    —Daisaku Ikeda
  • “Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips.”
    —Percy Bysshe Shelley
  • “What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
    —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Funny Wedding Quotes

Make the newlyweds and guests laugh with one of these crowd pleasers. From funny advice to a funny saying about what marriage entails, you’re sure to bring about some laughter.

  • “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”
    —Erma Bombeck
  • “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.”
    —David Sedaris
  • “Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
    —Chris Rock
  • “The groom always smiles proudly because he’s convinced he’s accomplished something quite wonderful. The bride smiles because she’s been able to convince him of it.”
    —Judith McNaught
  • “A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.”
  • “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring, or eating with chopsticks: It looks easy until you try it.”
    —Helen Rowlan
  • “Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.”
  • “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.”
    —Jean Kerr
  • “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. ”
    —George Burns
  • “I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it. ”
    —Elizabeth Evans
  • “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”
    —Amy Schumer
  • “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.”
    —Hussein Nishah
  • “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
    —Rita Rudner
  • “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
    —Jerry Seinfeld
  • “If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.”
    —Fran Lebowitz
  • “True love is the greatest thing, in the world, except for a nice MLT — mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe.”
    —The Princess Bride
  • “The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.”
    —Alfred Hitchcock
  • “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
    —Robert Quillen
  • “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
    —Dr. Seuss
  • “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
    —Agatha Christie

Religious Sayings About Love

Use one of the sayings below to express your happiness over the newlywed’s union and the faith they share.

  • “Let brotherly love continue.”
    —Hebrews 13:1
  • “Is it love that makes the impossible possible? ”
    —Indian Proverb
  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.”
    —Corinthians 13:7
  • “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”
    —Genesis 2:18
  • “For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”
    —Isaiah 62:5
  • “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
  • “Faith makes all things possible. Love makes all things easy. ”
    —Dwight Moody
  • “Love is like a friendship caught on fire.”
    —Jeremy Taylor
  • “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”
  • “I don’t wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.”
  • “When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you’re sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship.”
    —Joseph Campbell
  • “Love is not something you feel. It is something you do.”
    —David Wilkerson

Best collection of '+ Funny Marriage Advice & Quotes'. Find more at The Quotes Master, a place for inspiration and motivation.

Funny Marriage Quotes that are more than hilarious

Funny quotes for newlywed

If you've been asked to give a wedding toast, chances are you're taking your role seriously. Perhaps too seriously! Often, the best wedding toasts start with a joke, even if they wind up with a sincere wish for the couple's future happiness.

Why Give a Funny Wedding Toast?

Weddings bring up complicated emotions. For the bride and groom, there's joy along with (in many cases) tremendous anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is related to the very idea of a permanent commitment; other times it's related to aspects of the wedding itself. Will the caterer show up? Will my divorced parents get into a fight? Will Aunt Jane get drunk and fall into the wedding cake?

Similarly, complex emotions come up for parents who are both thrilled and saddened as their child steps into a new role and a new stage of life. Siblings may be delighted, jealous, or even angry about some aspect of the wedding. Best friends may feel left behind.

Humor is almost always the best way to break the ice, lower anxiety, and just have fun at a wedding. If you've been asked to give a wedding toast, chances are you have a close relationship with either the bride, the groom, or both. That means you know which kinds of humor are likely to get a big laugh, and which won't.

Funny Wedding Quotes to Choose From

Not all of these famous quotes will be right for you, but you'll almost certainly find one or two that connect with your particular wedding party!

Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy "marriage remains a secret."

John Milton
"Biochemically, love is just like eating large amounts of chocolate."

Henry Kissinger
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There'€s too much fraternizing with the enemy."

Cathy Carlyle
"Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch."​

"By all means, marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Rita Rudner
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

Mickey Rooney
"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."

Henny Youngman
"I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back."

Honore de Balzac
"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin."

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery!"

"A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal."

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me."

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100+ Funny Marriage Advice & Quotes

Funny quotes for newlywed


“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.”

Helen Rowland


“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'”



“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”



“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Rita Rudner


“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

Albert Einstein


“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”

—Red Skelton


“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

Henny Youngman


“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.”



“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

Ambrose Bierce


“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.”

Marilyn Monroe


“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.”

Stephen Leacock


“For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones


“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”

Sigmund Freud


“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

Ogden Nash


“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”

Eddie Cantor


“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”

Joyce Brothers


“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.”

Jean Kerr


“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.”

Isadora Duncan


“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”

Benjamin Franklin


“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

—Rita Rudner


“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

—Ann Bancroft


“When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.”

—Marie Osmond


“Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.”

—Beverley Nichols


“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

—Erma Bombeck


“Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.”

—Honore de Balzac


“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.”

—Raymond Hull


“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.”

—Sam Levenson


“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.”

—Alexander Pope


“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”

—Elbert Hubbard


“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”

—Neil Simon


“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono


“I married beneath me, all women do.”

—Nancy Astor


“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.”

—Zig Ziglar

”Marriage is like a spicy shwarma for newlyweds, always crazy for the first bite. these funny wedding quotes for newlyweds are just super.

Funny marriage advice

Funny quotes for newlywed

So corny, but sooo good.

I’m not sure if love is blind but it’s definitely hilarious at times. You just have to look at it from the right perspective, so using these funny quotes and puns about love when times get tough is a great way to lighten the mood.

When you enter into a committed relationship, you’re two (usually) imperfect human beings trying to understand yourselves, each other, and the world as best as you can. Not to mention you have the added pressure of understanding each other as parts of a whole.

That whole being a union of any sort. A union you also have to keep alive through time, effort, love, and consistency among other things.

Mistakes are bound to happen between two honest people who love each other and are making an effort to sustain the bond. Due to that inevitable reality, it’s important to not take everything so seriously. Otherwise, your relationship dies out with our sanity.

I think this is sound advice considering another similar and popular piece of advice is to find someone who has the same sense of humor as you.

Imagine living somewhere with a person who can’t make you laugh for the rest of your life. Imagine someone laughing at something you find irritating and troublesome, or vice versa.

It all comes down to your intellect and how you view the world. You want your intellect and world views to be compatible with your life partner and you can tell about those two things from a person’s sense of humor.

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Humor is good for bonding and for dealing with stressful situations. That’s why humor is a good indicator of personality. Different kinds of humor reveal that a person has different personality traits.

You can tell which ones people have according to their specific sense of humor. And, of course, for a compatible relationship it’s important for two people to know each other’s unique personalities and views.

From funny to silly to downright corny, you can’t deny that puns make you smile.

And being that we all need a good laugh every now and again, why not check out these 37 love puns that are guaranteed to make you giggle your butt off?

1. Drumroll please!

"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers."

2. Oh, you got us good.

"To some, marriage is a word. To others, a sentence."

3. Smart and funny = winning.

"When the TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent."

4. Be wary of what your wife says.

"My wife tells me I'm a skeptic, but I don't believe a word she says."

5. Not nice.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

6. Food puns get us every time.

"What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married? Cantelope."

7. They deserve the best, what can we say?

"Too many girls think the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it."

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8. Sounds like a toxic relationship to me.

"Two nuclear technicians got married. She was radiant and he was glowing."

9. Those work out too, you know.

"Two florists got married. It was an arranged marriage."

10. Worth it ... maybe.

"Some men view marriage as a matter of wife and debt."

11. Font humor for the win!

"Two fonts, Arial and Calibri, were in the midst of a bad breakup. Calibri said, 'I'm sorry, your personality is too bold.' Arial responded, 'You're just not my type.'"

12. This one's a stretch.

"Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord."

13. Kind of takes the guess work out of it.

"When a psychic showed me the girl I'll marry, it was love at second sight."

14. Baby jokes always win them over.

"Two cannon balls got married and had BBs."

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15. The better version of the P-word.

"Instead of engaging in my own hobbies, my wife has me constantly helping her in her garden. I guess you could say I am pistil whipped."

16. The best relationships start when you're least expecting them.

"My boyfriend and I started to date after he backed his car into mine. We met by accident."

17. It's true.

"Too many little digs send a marriage to an early grave."

18. What a play on words.

"They were a fastidious couple. She was fast, he was tedious."

19. What a creative idea for a Halloween costume.

"A girl and her boyfriend went to a party dressed as a barcode. They were an item."

20. I think they misspelled the last word.

"A husband who thinks he is as solid as a rock may have a wife who wishes he was a little boulder."

21. This would only work if you're one of them.

"Helicopter rescue pilots have the most successful pick-up lines."

RELATED: 100 'I Love You' Quotes That Perfectly Describe Life With Your True Love

22. Among other things.

"Have you ever wondered why baseball players get girlfriends? They're great at hitting it off."

23. Alcohol is never the answer. (Or is it?)

"A bartender's marriage was on the rocks so he took a cheap shot."

24. That's the point, right?

"The bride's best friend is so proud, she's practically made of honor."

25. Poor guy.

"He tried to get her to marry him to no a-veil."

26. Sounds comfy.

"My girlfriend once gave me a Valentine made of soft leather. What a suede heart."

27. Well, you did bring her to prom.

"I went to prom with a broken leg. During the slow dances my date could tell that I had a crutch on her."

28. She probably ate him too.

"Black widow to mate: I met my last husband on the web."

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29. Some women are into that kind of thing.

"A janitor with a broom in hand swept her off her feet."

30. This joke will get you charged up.

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Funny quotes for newlywed
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